Visiting the west of England

Hopefully sometime in your life you are lucky enough to visit us here in the west of England.  We have lots to offer, the Roman city of Bath, Brunel’s Bristol and mysterious Stonehenge. However as a tourist do you want to see the real West Country, immerse yourself in centuries of culture?  Then you must blend in and talk to the locals. 

Rule one- dull colored clothing; the locals startle easily so no bright shirts.

Rule two- don’t smile- nothing gives you away as a tourist as much as a bright shinning set of teeth. If they don’t look like Stonehenge then you’re not from round here.

Rule three- learn the language- What! I here you cry surly you speak English. True if you want to speak to bank managers or the stuffed shirts running your hotel. But this is the locals, the people who can tell you the best beers, the best places and where not to go. So here is some help.

In times past people from Somerset was known as Zedlanders, Why, quite simple s’s were pronounced with a z. So Somerset becomes Zumerzet. Practice it now. Good right now put more emphasize on the “ER’ so it’s zumERzet. Practise again. Good, now any words with F’s become “v” i.e. from becomes vrom. Practice now “I’m vrom ZumErzet.” Next drop all H’s. So ordering a pint of the local brew is not “I’ll have a half of cider please.” It’s “I’ll ave a pint ov ZidER, (halves are not recognize as a proper drink.) So two tips there.

Another piece of advice don’t go for scrumpy strait away. Ease into it gradually; drink cider for a couple of days before venturing down the Scrumpy road. Remember the cloudier the better.

Once you have developed the Somerset way of speaking you can apply this plus the key phrases that will see you alright in Bristol. First, gert lush.  This phrase is used when you want to say that something was wonderful.  E.g. ‘I ‘ad a gert lush time at the zoo.’- Gert on its own is a substitution for big.  ‘Did you see that gert gorilla?’  Warning! Don’t over do it. “I ‘ad a gert lush time at the gert zoo looking at the gert gorilla.’  This is over the top and some locals might think you’re taking urine, steady does it.

Next phrase ‘me babber’ a term of friendliness. “How are you, me babber?” to which you would answer ‘Gert lush’ Only use ‘me babber, when you know a local well.

There’s a couple of more words I like to tell you about before you click the link below.  Stingers-nettles.  ‘Mind the stingers me babber’ watch out for nettles.

The snow has pitched-the snow has settled.

Zo ‘ave a gert lush time ‘ere in the west country, and if you don’t get ‘ere use it next time you dress as a pirate or varmer.’